Women aren’t the only ones who take forever in the restroom.
I pride myself on spending a minimal amount of time in my bathroom on weekday mornings. I can roll out of my bed, shower, brush my teeth, clothe myself, and be out the door to work within 20 minutes. (It’s okay if you’re impressed/a little turned on right now.)
But like many dudes, when left with some leisure time, I’ll spend a hefty amount of it in the commode without even realizing it. I’ll go in to pinch a loaf then come wandering out 30 minutes later not even knowing what in the hell I was doing in there all that time. It’s like another dimension or something.
So what are we up to? Here are seven time-consuming things some guys might be doing in the bathroom that go beyond your basic peeing and pooping scenarios.
It takes time to trim your beard, pluck your eyebrows, and trim your chest hair. It takes even more time to shave your pubes. Whether you’re using an electric device or a regular razor, you’ve got to tread lightly. Every man who’s not rocking pubic hair styled after Bob Ross’s fro has—while delicately navigating his penis and balls—had a vision where the shaving device slices his scrotum open. Sometimes a rush job is worth it. This is not one of those times.
Because I live alone and can whack off anywhere I want to in my apartment (and at any time of day), I never service myself in the restroom unless I’m home visiting my parents. (Earlier today I got some Chinese food delivered and wasn’t that hungry yet, so I rubbed one out before I got to my beef and broccoli.
Nothing works up your appetite like a beat sesh! Anyway…) But if you live with a guy and share a bedroom, the bathroom is the only place he can go if he wants to pound one down, unless you’re not home. If a guy ever comes out of the bathroom after a long time and makes it a point to bring up that he was struggling with “a real bear of a sh*t in there” or something similar, it’s because he was fighting the purple helmet warrior and doesn’t want to cop to it. Otherwise, he wouldn’t feel a need to proactively make an excuse for why he was in there so long.
3. Taking a Nap
I don’t do this because I don’t shit where I sleep or sleep where I shit, but I have plenty of friends who say they’ll occasionally take a short snooze in the bathroom during the workday. I’ve also heard of dudes having become so relaxed after a dump that they just pass out for a few minutes. (I’ve also heard of people having heart attacks and dying in the moments after passing a turd, so if you think he’s been in there too long, I wouldn’t hesitate to check on him.)
4. Using Your Stuff
Since so many of us wonder why you take so long in the bathroom, we get curious and will one day check out, say, one of your fancy lotions or whatever. This can lead us down an Aveda-themed rabbit hole where we’re, like, rubbing Nair on a tiny part of our chests to see if it really works…while we’re also applying lip liner and blowing kisses at the mirror while saying things like, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.”
This sense of curiosity is also how I discovered the magic of lavender essential oils. I came out of my friend’s bathroom after reading the label and was like, “Will this really help me calm down?” Now I put it in my bubble baths at the end of a really stressful day.
5. Straight Chillin’
I’d be interested to see data on how much more time people spend in the bathroom now that smartphones are so commonplace. Now that I think of it, the vast majority of my Tinder swiping occurs while I’m sitting on the commode. And just the other day, I opened a a dumb story while I was on the porcelain throne and ended up spending about 20 minutes combing through the entire website. For many busy men and family men, their time in the bathroom is the quietest time of the day, when they’re free to do some reading or video watching—and they like to take advantage of it.
I think most guys would like you to believe we don’t put a lot of time into doing our hair or shaving our faces or whatever, but it can certainly be a time-consuming process. I know dudes who use blowdryers, straightening irons, etc. We don’t just wake up with our hair perfectly coiffed, you know.
Sometimes men cry, and the bathroom is a safe space in which to do that without other people knowing it. You can turn on the shower or the sink to drown out the heaving sobs. Not that that’s depressing at all…